Trapped in Offense
June 9, 2020
I once had a co-worker who was easily offended. It was an art form for him. He could find an insult in any conversation. His pattern was to spend exactly three days stewing before finally deciding to go ahead and take offense at what you said. Then, he would tell you that he was offended by what you said or did. If an apology was not immediate, he would launch into a pattern of behavior designed to punish you for being offensive – the silent treatment, avoiding you, pretending you were not in the room, and telling anyone who would listen how offensive you were. Offense was a trap for him, and it drove a wedge between him and his co-workers that could not be overcome. Truer words have never been spoken than those in Proverbs 18:19:
A brother offended is harder to be won over than a strong city, and [their] contentions separate them like the bars of a castle. (AMPC)
Jesus warned against taking offense and against causing offense. From this co-worker, I began to learn to be careful about “joking” around. I learned that my words mattered and that they are not easily taken back. I learned it’s better to not say anything at all, then to spout off and take a chance that others would be hurt or offended. I also learned, by observation, what a high price there is for taking and holding offense. In the parable of the sower, Jesus talked about the seed sown on rocky or stony ground in Mark 4:16-17:
16 And in the same way the ones sown upon stony ground are those who, when they hear the Word, at once receive and accept and welcome it with joy; 17 And they have no real root in themselves, and so they endure for a little while; then when trouble or persecution arises on account of the Word, they immediately are offended (become displeased, indignant, resentful) and they stumble and fall away. (AMPC)
What was the cost of becoming and staying offended? It cost that person the fruitfulness of their life. They did not grow up and yield fruit thirty, sixty, or one hundred fold! That is too high a price to pay! Forgiving others who have offended you is so important that it even made it into the Lord’s Prayer!
And forgive us our sins, for we ourselves also forgive everyone who is indebted to us [who has offended us or done us wrong]. And bring us not into temptation but rescue us from evil. Luke 11:4 (AMPC)
I could see that my co-worker chose offense. He nursed it and wore it like a blanket around his shoulders and a badge on his chest. It was actually a tremendous burden that he willingly chose and carried. He thought he was punishing those he perceived to have insulted him, but we had already moved on and he never did.
Watching him had a real impact on me, and I searched for ways to avoid the trap he fell into. I found two things: One is that forgiveness was vital. The second was that thinking about something other than the perceived insult was the best way to manage it. Paul gave the Philippians some very good advice along those lines:
For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them]. Philippians 4:8 (AMPC)
